When appreciation doesn’t feel like appreciation

Most managers genuinely try.

They thank people in meetings.
They highlight the team in newsletters.
They write “Great job!” in emails.
They start conversations on a positive note.

Yet the survey keeps saying:

“Too little appreciation.”

Here’s the gap.

Feedback is not what is said.
It is what is experienced.

A real-life example

In a coaching session, a client told me:

“I never receive positive feedback.”

She was one of the top performers in her department.

I asked:
“Does your manager know how important this is to you?”

She hesitated.

“It’s very important. I want to know I’m doing the right things. I often wonder if I’m doing enough.”

She decided to raise the issue.

Some time later, I followed up.

“Now my manager sends emails,” she said.
“Great job! You had the highest sales this month.”

“That sounds positive,” I replied.

She smiled slightly:
“Yes… but it still doesn’t feel like positive feedback.”

That was the turning point.

The manager had changed behavior.
But the experience had not changed.

The aha moment

She was motivated by People (Blue MVS).
She valued connection, meaning and the human impact of her work.

Her manager was motivated by Results (Red MVS).
He valued performance, speed and measurable outcomes.

The email with sales figures was, in his world, clear appreciation.

But for her, something essential was missing:
The personal connection.
Recognition of how she made a difference.

No one was wrong.

They were simply speaking different motivational languages.

And this is where SDI becomes more than a model – it becomes insight.

When fear of favoritism makes feedback impersonal

Another common pattern:

Out of fear of favouring someone –
or being perceived as unfair –
managers praise the whole team instead.

“Great job, everyone.”
“Fantastic team effort.”
“You’re all amazing.”

Well intentioned.
Safe.

But something subtle happens.

The person who truly stepped up, solved the difficult situation or carried extra responsibility does not feel seen.

I have heard it many times:

“It doesn’t feel personal.”
“I don’t feel genuinely appreciated.”
“It sounds like something the manager learned to say.”

Fairness is not the same as sameness.

Fairness means recognising what was actually done – and naming it.

Personal appreciation does not create competition.
It creates psychological safety.

Why feedback lands differently – the SDI perspective

We are motivated by different drivers.

And that shapes how feedback feels.